"Your best thinking got you here."

+ why we need to change the way we think about addiction recovery

My first mentor in recovery told me this when I shared that I was thinking about dating a guy before I had one year in sobriety:

“Your best thinking got you here.”

At first, I didn’t understand.

Why yes, I thought to myself.

My thinking got me here. I’m sober and that’s something.

She continued:

“And if our best thinking got us here, do you think we should lean on our own understanding when making decisions like this?”

It was a good question and one of many that I’d hear in early recovery.

For affected family members (those who have been impacted by addiction and/or recovery) our thinking can be what is getting in the way of meaningful and trusting relationships with our loved ones. While I like to say that “we are the experts of our own lives,” sometimes it is true that our thinking might be getting in the way.

Similar to the day, I spoke to my sponsor and pushed around salty Panera salad with a fork. Though this may all sound a little “12-steppy,” hang with me.

Affected family members, it is imperative we address our thinking.

Friends in or seeking recovery, the same is true for us too.

I believe that when we are equipped with new information, we can see the world and our loved ones with compassion, instead of judgment and with love instead of resentment. We can use our own agency and choose helpful and supportive ways to think about our loved ones, our families, and our selves.

We need to enhance our understanding about what recovery is and change the way we think.

Photo by ameenfahmy on Unsplash

Over the past year, I’ve been involved in researching family recovery (I’m also an affected family member). What it means, what it doesn’t. How it happens. What gets in the way. Where the needs and gaps are, and where strengths live. Dr. David Best (world-renowned recovery researcher), Mulka Nisic (fierce global policy advocate), and I, along with other recovery supporters are learning some incredible things about how families are supported through the recovery process and what community-based organizations, grassroots movements, and faith-based groups, are doing locally to support families [we even founded the Global Family Recovery Alliance].

In my research, I’ve been synthesizing decades of studies on family recovery and have found one resource especially helpful: Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. The following are a series of discoveries from this book and others that provide a glimpse of hope on the horizon as we are either walking through the rough road of addiction ourselves, with a loved one, or on an exciting, yet uncertain new pathway of recovery as a family.

Here are a couple brief snippets of some of my findings. What do you think? I’d love to hear from you about what you think and if you have other ideas too!

Families can help their loved ones

Yes, it is true. Families matter. Research consistently points to the truth that when families are involved, their loved one is more likely to engage in treatment and recovery support services—and maintain recovery. Do we need to “let our loved one hit rock bottom” or provide only the “tough love” approach? What is enabling and how do we know if too much help or love is too much help or love? If you are like me, an affected family member + person in recovery, (or “double winner” as is affectionately shared in Alanon), it’s confusing out there. What is not confusing is what is true: our help helps.

Helping ourselves helps, too

Self-care for family members impacted by addiction is key. Whether you buy into the lavender salt baths or more impactfully, seek support from other family members with lived experience, taking care of ourselves will not only model how to care for ourselves to our loved ones but also help us show up in healthier ways. For folks in recovery, too, this concept of peer support and shared experience is evidence-based. Not only do we hear anecdotally about its effectiveness, we know from studies over time that show those who are connected with people with similar experiences, can learn how to love in healthier ways (and stay somewhat sane in the process).

Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash

Addiction is normal

Substance use and substance use disorders impact almost all families today. With the advent of horrific synthetic opioids, legalizing substances that used to land us in jail, vape pens (Lord, Have Mercy) and an ongoing alcohol crisis among countless people, including women, we don’t have to feel different for having to deal with the aftermath of addiction or supporting a loved one in recovery in our family. Chances are those who don’t go through this are the odd ones out these days.

Reframing is key to understanding (and compassion)

Changing the way we talk about our loved ones goes a long way in helping us to understand them. When we stop seeing our loved one as the addict or the alcoholic (and not by their name), we can focus on their personhood and not one of the many characteristics about them. We will talk more about how to talk in non-stigmatizing ways and how this promotes a more empathetic and compassionate view our loved ones.

Treatment isn’t the only way to get better

“Rehab” (the outdated term) or what we now call substance use disorder treatment is not the starting point to change. Stopping substance use is no guarantee of health and healing. When I started my recovery journey as a teen, both my parents and I thought going away to “treatment” was going to be like taking an antibiotic. Take one pill in the morning with food and by the end of the 10-day treatment, you will be cured. Treatment is no longer seen as the only way to begin or sustain lasting change—and indeed, it may not be.

Research has demonstrated that the popular belief that if someone “just stops” using a substance, then the rest of his problems will take care of themselves is simplistic and untrue. Substance problems are complex and multi-determined, often driven by underlying psychiatric disorders such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or attention deficit disorders that require specialized attention over and beyond just treating the substance problem. In other words, good treatment often includes psychiatric care, which has historically been overlooked or even discouraged in some drug and alcohol treatment settings.¹

Resistance to change is normal

Just ask anyone who has tried to go on a diet. When your significant other orders a piece of chocolate cake after dinner and you are left pushing around cherry tomato remains with your fork, the decision to give up sugar feels, well, ill-timed. It is normal to feel ambivalent. On the one hand, yes, change sounds great; and on the other hand, let’s keep the status quo because it’s easier. Unfortunately, in many traditional treatment settings, resistance to change or ambivalence (that can sometimes lead to a recurrence of use) has led to ineffective black or white thinking. Many programs end up refusing treatment for those who need it the most; recovery homes kicking out people for using—the very reason they need support in the first place.

Change is possible

No matter where you are on your journey or where your family member is, as long as everyone is still breathing, change is possible. The key is being “as willing to change as you want your loved one to be.”²

Supporting a loved one through addiction recovery is both challenging and deeply rewarding. Importantly, there are ways that we can increase our understanding in order to support their journey. We can change the way we think about recovery. Along the way, we might just find that we are supported in new ways too.

Would you like to learn more about my new book for affected family members, be the first to know about updates, and get insider views on what it’s actually like to write a book? Reply to the email or DM on Substack and let me know. I’d love to send you special updates, live videos, and more.

1. Foote, Jeffrey, et al. Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. Scribner, 2014, p. 5.

2. Foote, Jeffrey, et al. Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. Scribner, 2014, p. 17.