Q: Why do I date a guy and then relapse?

A: thoughts on intimacy, boundaries, and sustaining long-term recovery

Q: I keep struggling to stay sober. I have this pattern: get in recovery, start to feel better, date a guy, then relapse. Even if the guy is sober, I still end up using. Why can’t I stop this pattern?

A: My first thought after reading this question is: I’ve been there.

Several of my relapses or how we now refer to them: recurrences of use have happened immediately after dating someone. Even people who are sober.

Why does this happen?

Photo by Keenan Constance on Unsplash

Why do we get caught up in intimate relationships and forget about our sobriety? Forget about our goals? Forget about our values?

A mentor of mine emailed me after a recent article where I shared about my alter ego “Courtney” in (what I thought was) a funny and edgy depiction of what sometimes feels like split personalities, especially early on in recovery. These warring parts (Courtney Love vs. Reece Witherspoon) that are vying for my soul and recovery some days.

Here is the article.

My mentor shared this about the above article:

I hope you don't mind me sharing one thing I would have added:

That besides sharing parts of your own recovery and supporting your questioner about realizing it's a journey, letting her know how common it is for women to want to "hang out with guys" in early recovery because that is where we thought we found our worth (if only sexually sometimes) or that we could relate better to men than women when ironically, it is the women in recovery who will ultimately help us find ourselves. Through their unconditional support but also holding us accountable for our growth we gently "grow up" and fill that empty hole.

My first 30 days in recovery taught me the power of breaking the old pattern of using “guys" to feeling good. I might have already told you the story but if not, I'll share it sometime when we chat again.

*Hugs

Now, first off, consider yourself blessed because this woman has shared so many “aha” moments with me, she may have helped change the course of my life on numerous occasions.

[btw, if you don’t have someone like this in your life who speaks truth, even uncomfortable truth, stop reading this right now and go find them (or let yourself be found by them]

My dear friend reminded me that learning or re-learning our worth is one of the most important journeys we will go on in early recovery.

When we start to value ourselves (and this includes our bodies), we start to not only act, but think differently. We may even be more inclined to stay on a recovery path and not slip into old, perhaps comfortable, behaviors and patterns.

I’d like to suggest that you dig into why you are dating right now. What is it that you get from the relationships? What are you able give? What happens when you start seeing someone? Is there a type of person that you are attracted to in this stage of your recovery?

Your worth is so much greater than any other person can show you.

I’ve been there and was left feeling the same emptiness again and again, thinking that a man (like a drug) would help me feel good/loved/okay.

You can find this goodness/belovedness/okayness, but it might not be where you’ve been looking.

It wasn’t until I learned to love myself that I was ready to accept the good man God had planned for me all along.

Maybe it is time to try something new. To surround yourself with women and take a break from intimate relationships. See what unfolds as you rest in singleness. You might be surprised what or who you find.

Want to read more on this? Check out one of my past articles with the Grit and Grace Project, Walking Away from Mr. Wrong to Love the One Who Is Right.

You also aren’t going to want to miss this live conversation with

Blake Roberts, Psychotherapist

this Friday! Subscribers will get notified via email when we go live (or log on and find us) :)