We are hungry, we are full

when we realize our "food issues" are connected to our trauma

*trigger warning for folks who may have a history of trauma surrounding food, body image, and more.

One of the first mentors I had in recovery was also in recovery from disordered eating. She was one of the first people to introduce me to the idea that my “food issues” were connected to my trauma.

She also helped me to recognize the patterns that I was repeating of my mother’s. If recovery is a “we thing” trauma can be, too.

It wasn’t only my mentor either.

The more I started talking about my unhealthy relationship with food with other women in recovery and the more I listened, it became clear that this was something rampant among survivors. Women. Men. All folks.

We are hungry.

We are full.

Food can become a weapon, another way to hurt ourselves.

Love bursting.

Love withheld.

I remember staring at myself in the mirror after purging.

My face flushed, my heart fluttered and a single tear fell, taking a puddle of mascara with it.

I remember my grandmother going on a diet at eighty-five so that she was sure to fit nicely into her pink Anne Taylor coffin jacket.

My mother eating only rice and chocolate shakes. 

Staring in the mirror as a size 3 and seeing fat, loathsome fat.

How the body hangs on to spiritual sickness.

How the hurting are hungry for love.

I know this because I, too, have been hungry.

Photo by Elena Kloppenburg on Unsplash

According to the American Psychological Association trauma is:

an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape or natural disaster. Immediately after the event, shock and denial are typical. Longer term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea. While these feelings are normal, some people have difficulty moving on with their lives.¹

“Having difficulty moving on with their lives”—is an understatement for those of us who know. That’s like saying someone who survives military combat or a volcano eruption or an 9.5 earthquake will have trouble “adjusting.”

For those who know—you may be one of us—trauma and traumatic experiences can become a part of who we are, especially if we don’t have the protective factors to help guard against the damage and aftershocks.

That’s why it hasn’t, for me, been something I can just pack up the van and drive away from. As I’ve shared before, it’s been a slow de-cluttering, a long moving on, a patient wading through some tough experiences and coping strategies.

But we can get stuck here, too.

We can get stuck on the notion that there is no escaping the symptoms, the trauma, or its effects. There is the faulty notion that “I’ll always be like this” or “I’ll never find a [fill in the blank” or “I don’t deserve to be happy.”

I can empathize with those who feel like there is no way out of those labels and untruths because I’ve been there.

All of the issues: addiction, unhealthy relationship to food, unhealthy relationships, boundaries issues—all of it, the weight of it, bearing down.

Even if you have not experienced these things, you know how much the past can root into the present. How much that event (whether a natural disaster, job loss, family loss, combat experience, or other heartbreak), can nestle itself in and build a home.

Photo by Zac Reiner on Unsplash

It can be sad when we take a closer look into the branches of our family trees and get honest about ourselves and our family histories. Yet, we can be sad and grateful.

That’s the thing about the tough stuff of life. Challenges can bring us to new levels of healing. Recovery from trauma can become a banquet of tremendous thankfulness.

Today, I’ve been able to heal from my unhealthy relationship with food. Today, I can model healthy actions and choices for my children. I can show them that it isn’t about what you look like, but about how you feel and if you feel at home in your body.

What are some of the ways that trauma has manifested itself in your life or is present today? Do you recognize the patterns passed down from generations before you? Do you have things, like my mother and me, that you share in common with your own mother or father or grandparent?

What are you hungry for?

If it’s connection: I feel you. Me, too.

If it’s to know you aren’t alone: I hope this letter reminds you that you aren’t.

Here are few incredible writers that share more about healthy relationships with food and eating disorder recovery.

AND if you need support, check out the Eating Recovery Center. They have helpful resources for your recovery journey.

Eating Elephants: An Antidote To Overwhelm

How to Love Food (Again)

1. American Psychological Association. 2021. “Trauma and Shock.” American Psychological Association, 2021. https://www.apa.org/topics/trauma.