When it's easier to isolate
+ why we shouldn't
It’s easier to withdraw from others.
For the longest time, this was my coping strategy—but not a healthy one. Because I suffered pain at the hands of other people, somewhere lodged in my mind was the lie that all people are unsafe. No one can be trusted. I spent many tear-stained hours huddled in the corner of a smokey apartment, missing this: true connection, precious community, love, belonging, acceptance.
You may be like me and learned early on that reaching out for help can be unsafe—or even impossible.
It’s no wonder that sometimes we think that we have to get through things on our own. Or that only we can help ourselves.
But, this is simply not true. We can outgrow those old lessons.
As human beings, we are made for connection. Allowing others into our experience can be scary, but it’s such an important part of healing. One thing no one told me (and certainly not with their actions), but that I learned as I opened myself up to trusting others, is that it’s okay to ask for help.
How are you leaning into community? How are you connecting with others this holiday weekend?
Photo by Derick McKinney on Unsplash
I love how poet Kate Baer says, “Pick up your heavy burdens and leave them at the gate. I will hold the door for you.”1
Let’s hold the door for each other and then walk into the room together. Or, if in the context of summer holiday weekends, the awkward BBQ or crowded beach.
Quick summer sober tips:
Have your seltzer or fancy mocktail ready
Set boundaries and say “no” to events and activities that aren’t healthy
Bring a “sober buddy” or trusted friend with you when you are going into situations that might be uncomfortable (your neighbors bonfire or a cookout, for example)
Plan your exit strategy before saying “yes” to an event or activity (it’s okay to leave early, too)
Be kind to yourself: You may feel “uncool” because your lifestyle looks different from some of the people around you who may be using substances, but trust me - recovery is so much more fun!
Here is a link to download your free SUMMER SOBER guide with proven tips to help you have a fun and healthy summer.
Kate Baer, What Kind of Woman: Poems (New York: Harper Perennial, 2020).
I found your substack over the last week as I continue to seek to identify similar, but different, stories.
Today’s post was great and resonated with me on two levels - the subtitle hit first. Isolation is such a continuing trend in culture driven by many factors - not the least being social media.
But the second part of matched vibrations were the hints you gave on how to plan for summer situations. Thanks for confirming a lot of my own personal observations for strategies that work (esp the ‘have an exit strategy’ recommendation)!
Thank you for this gentle reminder that connection is key. By nature, I tend not to be a joiner. I’m an introvert and alcohol was one way I “dealt” with it -the liquid courage to push me into joining social crowds.
What I continue to work hard on and look at closely is holding both solitude and isolation- how I need and protect my solitude fiercely and also need to connect to and with others who understand this lifestyle. Balancing the two, both of which sustain me, is not always easy. I consider solitude and isolation two totally different things yet it can get slippery.