What NOT TO SAY to Your Loved One in Addiction Recovery
and how you can offer support around the holidays
This is a short and sweet list that you can share with family and friends so that this holiday season will be a little less awkward and a whole lot healthier.
Ready?
Here is what NOT TO SAY to your friend or loved one in addiciton recovery this holiday season, along with some suggestions and guidance to help you show up in a thoughtful and supportive way:
1. Would you like a drink?
Instead, try this: Here is our selection of NA beverages and mocktails. Help yourself!
2. How much longer are you going to be sober?
Recovery is a lifelong journey and everyone’s path can look different. Assume that recovery is a process and that your loved one doesn’t have an end date in mind. Instead of asking how long, maybe try saying something like I’m so happy for you. Life-change looks great on you!
3. You can have just one drink now, right?
This question gives a way the fact that you don’t know much about addiction—or recovery. Instead of putting this on the person in recovery to answer during the holidays (which may add more stress), you can take responsibility for learning more about what recovery is. Here is a great resource from the Recovery Research Institute with helpful information on what addiction recovery is.
4. One won’t hurt.
This can be very harmful and not supportive. Refrain from making judgments or suggestions about someone else’s journey.
5. [say nothing but hand them a drink]
Instead, you can point out where the NA or mocktail options are. If there are other substances in the home (not alcohol), make sure that these substances and the use of them (Aunt Doreen’s famous pot brownies, for example), are done privately and not offered to folks in recovery.*
*it’s also important to note here that not everyone practices abstinence-based recovery, though that is my preferred path. Some folks practice what’s known as harm reduction. They may have stopped the use of opiates, for example, but still drink alcohol. Respect everyone’s individualized journey.
6. Is it okay with you if I have a drink?
This may be one of my least favorite questions now that I have a couple 24-hours of recovery strung together. Why? Well, it assumes that the person in recovery is not only responsible for their own behavior, but yours as well. How about we each stay in our own lane and focus on our own actions?
The intention in saying this is usually a kind one, but remember, if we are uncomfortable, it is our responsibility to leave a situation—or not go in the first place. When I was very early in recovery, I only stayed at gatherings with alcohol present for a short time. Over time, I’m more comfortable in my own skin and not as focused on the substances around me.
7. It’s not going to be a problem if we have alcohol here, right?
Re-read the above explanation. It’s your choice if you serve alcohol or other substances at your holiday gathering. Those of us in recovery can make sure we make healthy decisions for ourselves like having an exit strategy (this usually involves having our own ride home when we need it), celebrating with other sober folks, and being honest with ourselves and others about how we are feeling.
Of course, would it be amazing to have a substance-free holiday party? YES! These are my favorite (and here is a fun article with some fancy and festive mocktail options). But that is up to the host—those of us in recovery can choose how to respond, if to attend, and what we need to make it a sober and successful holiday season.
Want to read more about how you can support a loved one who is struggling with addiction? Check out my article with This Grit and Grace Project here: 5 Ways You Can Help Loved Ones Struggling with Addiction.
You aren’t alone this holiday season! If you need some extra tips to get through the rest of the season, don’t forget to download YOUR SOBER HOLIDAY SURVIVAL GUIDE.
A Personal Request
Circle of Chairs is a newsletter and also a recovery story-telling platform (check out more stories here) that is this recovery advocate and author’s mission. I am driven to share stories of recovery, normalize the addiction, mental health, and trauma recovery journey, and offer tips, tools, and resources for your journey.
This community is made up of over 12,000 readers and growing comprised of women in or seeking addiction and mental health recovery, mothers in recovery, recovery advocates, recovery community organization leaders, recovery ministry leaders from faith-based programs like Celebrate Recovery, Re:generation Recovery, and Life Recovery Groups, recovery writers, and professionals in the field of behavioral healthcare. The circle widens when you share.
Together, let’s keep journeying.