Recover like a Mother

the unexpected trials and joys of motherhood in recovery

Being a first-time mom: terrifying. Elating. All things wrapped into one. As cute as a tiny pair of shoes and as painful as Braxton Hicks.

Being a first-time mom in recovery? I had no idea what was coming.

I remember the day I found out. Looking down at the little stick I held in my hands. Overcome by the promises that were coming true in my life the longer I journeyed on into recovery.

One line - not pregnant

Two lines = pregnant

Do I have one line or two?

TWO??? LINES!!!

Once it finally sank in, I jumped up and sat down, then walked around as if in a trance; an, “I can’t believe I am pregnant! Am I pregnant?!?” stupor. I smiled the half-smile of someone who wasn’t quite sure if I should be happy.

Was this going to last? The fear already creeping in.

But I was—I was ridiculously happy. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe that I got pregnant! I always had the sinking suspicion that if I was able to have kids, I would have had them by then—out of wedlock (just being real).

I praised God.

I cried.

I praised God again.

A snippet of a quote from one of my favorite authors, Brennan Manning, came to mind: …freedom brings an appreciation for the lessons of captivity.^[1]

Then I wondered what the hell I was going to do.

Little did I know that seeing those two pink lines was the beginning of learning what being a sober mom is all about.

*also that those two pink lines meant TWINS!!!

Being a mom in recovery is incredible. I get to show up for my kids, breathing in every beautiful minute. I can look into their eyes and marvel at a life that brings beauty from the ashes of trauma and addiction.

Even when I lose my cool or get woken up in the middle of the night - all night long - or don’t think I have one more ounce of energy to give another living thing (even a house plant), all I need to hear is three little letters in sing-songy voices: M-O-M, and it makes it all worth it. Every burpy, slurpy, weeping, joyful second.

But there are also challenges to being a mom in recovery and I don’t think we talk about them enough.

What follows is a list that I’ve lovingly cultivated because I’m living it (and have been researching it).

What are some of the challenges unique to moms in recovery (and those pregnant or parenting)?

• It can be difficult to get to a meeting: physically, mentally, emotionally.

• Recovery friends without kids start to treat you like you’ve got an infectious disease (ever experienced this?).

• Mom or parent friends not in recovery look at you differently once they find out.

• It can be excruciating to have to choose between time with family and time for recovery.

• Needing to prioritize recovery and also needing to show up 24/7 for other little beings.

• Needing to (or wanting to) not fall apart when meeting night gets sabotaged by sudden stomach flu onset or drawn-out weepy bedtime routines or exhaustion.

What I didn’t realize at the time was how challenging being a mom in recovery was going to be because up until that point, I hate to admit it, but I hadn’t thought about it. Because it didn’t impact me personally in the early years of my recovery, it wasn’t my concern.

This is hard to admit as a recovery advocate and woman who has worked in the field of addiction policy and social work for years. I’ve researched inequities. I’ve read all the books, a rainbow of quit lit spines. I’ve even done extensive research on addiction recovery stigma. Never had I connected the dots. Never had I thought about the fact that being a mother in recovery has unique challenges that aren’t talked about enough.

You see, when I became a mother, I started to understand that not only are there personal barriers that exist for moms like me (and when I say mothers, I believe we can mother in so many ways, not just having children), there are systemic barriers that can make it more challenging for women to access the recovery support they need.

What we, as mothers, can experience:

• Greater stigma: research shows that women are one of the groups of folks that experience greater addiction and recovery stigma

• Lack of recovery support services that provide family-centric services

• Lack of meetings and other recovery supports that provide childcare

• Lack of recovery housing for women, especially pregnant or parenting women

• Lack of trauma-informed and trauma-sensitive services

• Lack of options for gender-specific meetings or safe spaces for recovery support

• [there’s more]

So, What’s the Good News?

There is so much that we can learn from mothers and parents in recovery. I’d love to hear from you about your experience. Will you comment below or send a quick email and let me know about the challenges, barriers, and joys of being a mom or parent in recovery?

Being a mom in recovery is a beautiful gift.

We get to share our recovery with our children. We get to show up to be the people we know our children need. We get to play and dream and discipline and do all of the thankless and messy duties that never get shared on social media (oh, how much poop I’ve cleaned up).

We get to show up for each other.

But there are also tough things, too, challenges and barriers that I don’t think we talk about enough. Whether you are a mother or parent or not, will you join me in advocating for and supporting mothers and parents in recovery? Share this post to make this conversation a priority.

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[1] Brennan Manning. 2004. The Wisdom of Tenderness: What Happens When God’s Fierce Mercy Transforms Our Lives. New York: Harper San Francisco.