Q: from a newly sober woman who can't let go of old patterns

A: thoughts on letting go of perfection and embracing change

Q: I feel so much pressure to be perfect. I’m sober now, but my family doesn’t understand why I’m still doing things like vaping or hanging out with guys. They think because I’m sober I should stop doing what I’ve been doing—everything I’ve been doing, not just the drugs—right away. What can I do?

A: Thank you for asking this question. Recovery is a journey, not a destination.

It’s tough to get sober, one of the hardest things. But what we don’t share about enough is how difficult it is on our families and the people we love, too.

For our loved ones, our addiction can be an excruciating and traumatic series of events. What makes matters worse is that oftentimes, while we are learning about the recovery process in treatment and through the support and services we are receiving, they are not.

Sometimes, our family members begin their own journey of healing, having no clue what recovery is all about.

It’s okay. I'm not blaming here. I'm just stating where many of our family members start out. I’ve heard this from so many affected family members, including in my own family.

“When you got into recovery, I didn’t know what this meant.”

[I write more about this here.]

When I started my recovery journey, I had no idea what it was all about either. I knew that quitting alcohol and other drugs was a part of sobriety, but that’s about it. I knew nothing of the transformation, life change, and newfound hope and purpose I’d find.

I also didn’t know that all of this was going to take time.

Photo by Ammar ElAmir on Unsplash

All of this takes time.

It’s okay to let go of being perfect.

It’s okay to let yourself learn how to be yourself again (or if you are like me, for the first time).

We likely made a mess of things in active addiction, and for most of us, it is not going to be like turning on a light switch. One day = all of these unhealthy, destructive patterns will be gone.

Poof.

Instantly, I am Caroline as Reece Witherspoon (not Courtney Love circa 1991).

Wholesome.

Wearing gingham or lace.

Never cussing or smoking or fooling around.

Going to bed early after reading the Psalms (all of them), eating an apple, and saying the rosary three times.

Unfortunately, for many of us, Courtney hangs out for a while.

[hang with me, for clarity’s sake, Courtney is my unhealthy self]

Courtney is fun (at least she thinks she is fun) and she is used to things being a certain way. She likes life a bit chaotic, a bit bent towards crisis. With a side of self-destruction.

For example, Courtney likes to date the guy at the meeting who needs the most support and has the most unresolved trauma. For some reason, she is drawn to him like a summer moth to a back porch light. No job, no home, no car, no clean pants? Sign her up.

Why? Her own unresolved trauma?

She falls in love easily because mess feels safe. This is what Courtney is used to.

Reece [in this scenario in my imagination, she is the gold standard of sober perfection] would shudder at the thought. She attends meetings (more than 90 in 90), has sworn off dating forever, and is the person her parents always dreamed she’d be: Their version of her that is safe and risk-less.

As soon as she got sober, she quit smoking, cussing, binge-eating Ben and Jerry’s, and, of course, dating and TikTok.

Photo by Matthew Hamilton on Unsplash

I’ve been reading a really good book lately about love and risk, and it’s made me think a lot about my parents when I was struggling with active addiction and in early recovery. It took them time to come to a place to trust me again. It took even longer for them to understand my recovery journey. That’s part of why I’m so passionate about researching family support and family recovery.

The truth is that no matter who we are [a Courtney, a Reece, a combination of them, or perhaps someone else altogether], our loved ones will likely need some time to get to know us again and to trust us again. They will also (hopefully) begin their own recovery journey, too.

Most importantly, perhaps, we will need time to get to know ourselves. Like moving into a new house, it’s going to take time to furnish rooms, make it our own, get used to where the light switches are.

Friend, one of my recommendations as you are struggling with the tension between what you’ve done and who are you is to encourage your loved ones to get involved in a local support group for family members. Peer support is one of the best ways for family members to learn and grow along with our recovery journeys. Encourage them to sign up for email communities like this one to learn more about what it truly means to be in recovery.

For many of us, perhaps most of us, it is a slow, messy sanctification as my friend and fellow author

Jonathon M. Seidl

says.

It is a long, beautiful road. And worth every second.

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