Q: How do I know it's real...this time?

A: thoughts on supporting loved ones in addiction recovery and holding on to hope anyways

Q: My child is in recovery and we are so proud of her. Thing is, we’ve been down this road before. We don’t want to get our hopes up. But we also want to be supportive. Even though she is in recovery now, it wasn’t very long ago that life was really hard. It’s hard to forget what addiction has done to our family. How do we know it’s real this time?Help!

A: This question is on the minds of so many family members of those of us in recovery or those of us struggling with substance use, especially around the holidays.

We share tables, time, and memories. Carving the turkey, decorating the tree, singing carols, making ornaments, writing resolutions and setting intentions, the list can go on for some—or not for others.

For some of us, it is the memory of what never was or of what we always hoped for that addiction has stolen from us.

So, how can we show love to our family members, whether they are in recovery or not?

How can we believe the best for our loved one and trust that this time it will be different?

When can we let go our fear of things falling apart again and truly show up for our entire family as loving, trusting, and hopeful?

These are all important questions and perhaps some questions that you, too, might be facing right now.

We might be paralyzed by doubt or fear that our loved one’s recovery isn’t going to last.

Right now, I’m deep in research for an upcoming book I’m writing (coming Spring of 2026 with Nelson Books) that will explore some of these questions.

What I’m finding through my research, interviews with family members and organizations, work, and personal experience, is that being an affected family member can be challenging when our loved one is struggling and those challenges can continue even as our family member is on a road of recovery.

So how can we show up for our family members in recovery over the holidays or any time of year? Here are a couple of suggestions based on an old verse, followed by resources that I’m finding are helpful in my own life.

Photo by Frede Langlois on Unsplash

(1) Choose to trust anyways

(2) Choose to hope anyways

(3) Choose to love anyways

I’m an affected family member, too. [long story for another day]

I’m also on the other side as a person with lived experience of addiction: the reason for family turmoil, distrust, and chaos at different points in my life. I recognize with the grit and reality that comes from personal experience, that these three things (trust, hope, and love) can be done, but they are not simple.

Many people are familiar with the verse in 1 Corinthians 13 that is rehearsed at weddings as a sort of call to action for newlyweds. It sounds pretty and soothing, almost melodic, when read aloud by a bridesmaid or groomsman. But if we take the words in context, they were not originally intended to be read only at weddings.

[here is some interesting context]

These words are a strategic plan for all relationships, a call to action for how to be loving people. An ideal to aim towards, and I believe with God’s help, a course correction for when we are veering away from them in our relationships.

Can these words also apply to how we view, treat, and love our family members who may be struggling with addiction or in a teetering, unsteady, or brief recovery?

Can we use this verse as encouragement as we struggle to trust that recovery is real this time?

In Scandal of the Kingdom, Dallas Willard writes:¹

The Swiss psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross once wrote, “Beautiful people do not just happen.” Do you know any of these beautiful people? People who shine with an inner luminescence, who radiate a kind of moral beauty? These kinds of people don’t “just happen” by accident; they are formed, or forged, often in the fire of suffering and pain, over a long period of time, into people of love.

Whether we are in recovery or not, the holidays, including New Year’s, can be stressful, overwhelming, or bring up unresolved family drama or trauma. That’s why it is imperative to have compassion for our loved one and share this. Let’s be “people of love.” Even when it’s tough. Even if we don’t know if recovery is going to stick this time.

Especially for loved ones in early recovery, remember that they may be facing extra challenges and triggers. Choosing to trust, hope, and love anyways can make all the difference.

We might experience a setback on our journey of recovery, but I know one thing for sure: it is love that can light our way back home.

Here are some additional resources that you might find helpful:

(1) Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change: This book is a treasure of helpful resources and perspectives for supporting and loving someone who is struggling with substance use.

(2) Families in Recovery program: This program based in PA offers a wide range of helpful resources.

(3) Global Family Recovery Alliance: Join this global group of family members, researchers, and more to learn more about family recovery stories and opportunities to get involved.

(4) Recovery Church: This faith-based program offers local support groups and online resources.

Do you have a question you’d love to ask (even anonymously)? Click here to ask what’s been on your heart and your question might just be featured in the next Ask Caroline letter.

Share this letter with a friend or loved one who needs to read it today.

1. Willard, Dallas. The Scandal of the Kingdom: How the Parables of Jesus Revolutionize Life with God. Zondervan, 2024.