You are not your momma's trauma

Are you ready to "heal forwards" and go deeper with your recovery?

My husband says that it is impossible to get rid of this plant after it appears, yet it needs to be destroyed, otherwise the damage will be too great. Otherwise, he’ll have to (gladly) get the chainsaw out and start cutting things down.

If I stare out one of our windows, I can see Virginia Creeper everywhere on the mountain trees, even in winter the remnants are there. It reminds me of the concept of adverse childhood experiences.

Photo by Kiwihug on Unsplash

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, these are “potentially traumatic events that occur in childhood (0-17 years) like experiencing violence, abuse, or neglect; witnessing violence in the home or community; having a family member attempt or die by suicide. Also included are aspects of the child’s environment that can undermine their sense of safety, stability, and bonding, such as growing up in a household with: substance use problems, mental health problems, and/or instability due to parental separation or household members being in jail or prison.”

In other words, Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) are just that: anything that happens in childhood that’s tough and may be traumatic.

Now importantly, ACEs have been studied by researchers since the 1990s, and some interesting (but not surprising) results have surfaced. The more ACEs someone has (or the higher their ACE score), the more other outcomes (that aren’t so great) happen later in life. Problems with relationships, substance misuse, mental illness, and even chronic health issues like heart disease can result.

Having bad things happen in childhood is not uncommon.

One study notes that about 61% of adults report that they have experienced at least one type of ACE, and nearly 1 in 6 reported they have experienced four or more types of ACEs. Notably (though again, not surprisingly), women and racial and/or ethnic groups are at greater risk for having experienced 4 or more varieties of ACEs.

You are not the only one.

Sadly, most people in recovery that I’ve met (and perhaps you, too) score off the charts with ACEs. It’s not a matter of one or two experiences labeled “adverse;” the reality is that the number is in the tens or twenties by the time many of us reach college.

There has been quite a bit of research done on ACEs. What makes ACEs so tough is the fact that these childhood experiences began long before we were even a thought in our parents’ minds. A lineage of trauma can creep up the trees of our family histories, slowly wreaking havoc, choking out the light.

What is more?

Oftentimes, while the conversation about ACEs is prevalent, especially among therapists and researchers, what is missing is an important follow-up:

When these bad/hard/tough/excruciating/horrible things happen, how can we move through them into a place of forgiveness and radical compassion? Not just for the perpetrators of some of these traumas, but for ourselves?

Photo by Krzysztof Kowalik on Unsplash

My own mother’s experience (and perhaps her family’s before her) created a ripple effect.

Whether her trauma was inherited, or because of environmental factors which passed it down (like how she was able to be there, or not, for my brother and me), or even because of a spiritual connection to brokenness that’s tied to my lineage, whatever the reason, there is good news.

We can forgive and we can move into a place of radical compassion.

The idea of healing forward is about uprooting what feels permanent.

Like the Virginia Creeper, trauma and its effects aren’t always obvious until it’s woven itself so tightly into your life that it feels impossible to separate. It clings to your relationships, your self-worth, your sense of safety, and even your physical body. When we finally notice it—maybe in a flash of awareness, maybe in the middle of a breakdown—it can be overwhelming to even imagine a world where it’s not there.

But here’s the thing: healing doesn’t require you to rip everything out at once. It doesn’t demand perfection or that you immediately forgive every hurt. Healing is a process, and it starts with small acts of awareness. You start to see the ways your trauma influences your life, the ways it whispers lies about your worth or your ability to love and be loved. And slowly, gently, you begin to question those lies.

Me and my mom during our book launch, September 2024

For me, the turning point was understanding that I didn’t have to carry the weight of my mother’s pain or her mother’s pain. I didn’t have to let it define who I was or who I could become. When I finally let myself feel compassion for her—the kind of compassion that sees her as a person with her own wounds, not just my mother—it opened the door for me to feel that same compassion for myself.

Radical compassion doesn’t erase what happened, but it softens the edges. It creates space for growth and for grace. It’s like sunlight breaking through the tangled vines, little by little, until the tree can start to grow freely again.

Healing forward is about choosing to nurture that growth. It’s about stepping into the messy, imperfect work of undoing generations of harm, not just for yourself but for the people who come after you. It’s about planting seeds of love and resilience where trauma once grew, knowing that it’s never too late to create a new story.

So, if you’re staring at your own version of Virginia Creeper and wondering where to begin, start here: You are not alone. The roots might run deep, but they do not have to define you. Healing forward is possible. And it’s worth it.

Are you ready?

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Carpenter, Manda. 2022. Soul Care to Save Your Life. Baker Books.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. 2021. “Risk and Protective Factors.” Www.cdc.gov. January 5, 2021. https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/riskprotectivefactors.html.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. 2020. “Preventing Adverse Childhood Experiences | Violence Prevention | Injury Center | CDC.” Www.cdc.gov. April 3, 2020. https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/fastfact.html?CDC_AA_refVal=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.cdc.gov%2Fviolenceprevention%2Facestudy%2Ffastfact.html.