"What about the men?..."
Jason Rudeen, host of The Way Out Podcast, helps answer this question
Being an author and recovery advocate, working with people all over the world, I probably don’t have to tell you the kinds of weird messages and emails I get from time to time. I’ve learned that if something looks like it was sent by an internet troll, it likely was. All of this being said, one of the messages I got recently that made me pause was this:
“What about the men?”
Now, as is my style (hopefully you’ve noticed this by now), I’m going to be real with you. When I first saw the question posed by some random guy who found my website was this: “What about them?”
I’m not here to speak to or encourage every person. Men, included. Plus, the current research shows that men have more access to things like treatment and recovery support services.
My calling feels more directed to women and folks who I more closely relate to. This being said, after I told my husband (which fyi whenever I get weird or suggestive or any message that makes me uncomfortable, I tell him first), I started asking myself the same question:
What about the men?
Now, if you don’t identify as a woman and you are reading this, I’m so grateful.
One of the things I hope to do here is to help folks who experience trauma and who are in or seeking recovery understand that they are not alone.
No matter what gender you identify with. Trauma is universal as is the need to find coping strategies to deal.
Some of us turn to drugs and alcohol along the way as a means of self-medicating or coping and that’s understandable. We also all want to find what works for us so that we can live meaningful lives.
Not long after this unsettling question where I was made to think about how I was showing up for the men in this space, I received a story submission to my blog Circle of Chairs. Here is an excerpt:
I'm Jason, a grateful person in long-term recovery. I don’t want to come here and glorify, or horrify you with too many details about my addictions and afflictions. My story isn't too unique. Let's say that I would never have expected to be sharing a story of how I got sober and how the Holy Spirit has moved in my life. I thought I was a lifer in the game, and I never knew God.
I grew up in a single-mother household. My mother and father split up when I wasn’t even one year old. My mom, as early as I can remember, was a drinker and a pot smoker. I only remember because of the smell of weed in the apartment and the slurring of her words. I'm sure she did other drugs.
When I was 5 years old, my mom was in a near-fatal motorcycle accident. I went to live with my aunt, uncle, and cousins while mom was in the hospital. My aunt and uncle worked very long hours. It was there that I was molested.
Fast forward a few months. My mom survived, and this version of her was different than before. She was fun most of the time, but she had a temper. She drank a lot in those next few years. Met a man and he quickly moved in. Their relationship was volatile. I remember not getting much sleep some nights from parties. Domestics were a regular occurrence. I hated drinking and cigarettes and swore I would never do it.
I started having recurring nightmares of a faceless man and a faceless boy when I was 12. I became very disturbed and kept it secret for months before I told my mom. I remember wondering if I was the kid or the man. It was all very confusing, and when I told Mom, she told me what happened when I was little. I distinctly remember having a total recall of my childhood trauma, and I didn’t know how to handle it! I tried more therapy for a while. I got really into journaling, music, and writing poetry from the therapy. I found escape and peace from using drugs and alcohol, too.
I was pretty resentful by this point, and when Mom started being a mom again after her recovery journey began, I took full advantage. I rebelled in school and at home. Developed a reputation as a troublemaker and started cutting class, sneaking out and hooked up with the troubled youth at my school and got my first girlfriend pregnant.
I became very self-destructive in the years to come. I lost my identity and alienated myself from my two children and my first love. Battled with many addictions, PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, and the list goes on. I have had too many times where I started over from scratch with nothing to my name, nowhere to go, and living on the streets. I would build it back up, lose control, burn bridges, and lose everything again. I have had 2 failed marriages. I failed at college. I failed at my career running kitchens. I’ve had so many jobs I can’t even count them. I ended up selling meth for the Cartel through a guy I worked with for the last couple of years. It led me back to the needle and spiritual death.
I honestly had an illusion of control. I ended up getting set up by one of my best customers, and I got popped with a lot of drugs! But not before I had pretty much been written off by my entire family, and all my friends, who had all tried to call me out on my bull crap well before my arrest. For me to get and stay clean, I had to be desperate enough to really want to learn something new.
Now for the good stuff. Recovery. Personal growth. Self-discovery. Forgiveness. Freedom. Grace. Love.
About the first 5 and a half months of truly working at a program, I felt on fire! I was digging in. I was following suggestions. I studied hard with others and at home. But I had a secret. I was having a beer at bedtime. Sometimes I wouldn't even finish it. May sound dumb, but this is a reservation. It is an old behavior. It's not enough to learn these things in recovery; we have to apply them as well.
You know I can hardly believe I was so trapped in my behavior patterns my whole life. The further I get into recovery, the more it boggles my mind. I was studying my butt off to learn all I could from NA, AA, and CMA. I had a beer most nights before bed while I would study in my bed, highlighting and taking notes. Thinking I was clean because I wasn't catching a buzz. When I got called on it, I had a decision to make...follow suggestions and stop the secret beers; or stop the program. It came down to 2 simple questions for me after a couple of weeks of being pissed off in secret. But first I planned on drinking it up for my birthday weekend. I imbibed a bit the night before my actual birthday, and just like they told me... "Nothing is worse than a belly full of booze and a head full of AA." I didn't enjoy it, and I finally asked myself...
Do I want to work the steps and see if they can really change me? Yes.
I finally let go of control and surrendered fully! "No more beers bro!" I told my sponsor. I was so upset because I really didn't think it was a big deal. But when I reset my clean time at all my meetings, the weight that I felt lifted off of me said otherwise. I stood at my turning point.
Nothing on this journey makes sense at first. We have to learn that the right thing is usually uncomfortable to do.
I started diving into the Steps. I went through the Recovery Coach Academy at Minnesota Recovery Connection. I did TRS calls regularly there and even got to be an interviewer for the next round of the Academy. And I was coming up on sentencing fast. I asked at some meetings of anyone would be willing to write a letter on my behalf. I had 4 by the time I went to my court date. When I stood in front of the judge, she came out and began to speak. She was talking about these moving letters, and she had a lot more than 4 in her hand. It was 13 actually…
She spoke of my service commitments and quoted some parts from some letters. She said, "Mr. Rudeen, there's no way I'm going to lock you up with all the good you are doing for the community." I can't get through one of those without crying. I'm grateful for those angels in my life.
I was floored! She gave me a downward departure in lieu of 98 months of prison. 20 years of probation and one violation would break the deal, and I do the whole stretch. I burst into tears. She then asked me if I would be willing to speak with her to high school kids in Anoka county. Of course, I said yes! I was on constant monitoring with a sweat patch for almost a year and a half. I met every condition of my sentence within 9 months. I'm currently at the lowest level of supervision, and I keep in touch with all those who were involved with my case — even the DA! So my felony will become a gross misdemeanor whenever my probation is completed! Miracles!!
I found God a year into my program, and It was unexpected! The principles of the 12 Steps had already begun to change me. I didn't know they are biblically based, or that they are universal spiritual truths.
I didn't expect to have a spiritual awakening. The thing is that when you work the steps and really apply the principles of the program to your daily life, it changes you from the insides out. It cleans out the conduit between you and God. So that's how we start to develop a spiritual life, which is also known as God-consciousness.
One Sunday morning at church during an altar call, I went up there and I prayed with the pastor. I remember the band was playing 'O' come to the altar,' and that song's lyrics hit me right to my core I couldn't stop crying after that for like an hour or more. I looked at my friend Jim, and I said, "What's wrong with me, dude?" and he simply put his hand on my shoulder and said, "That's the Holy Spirit, brother." I believed him, and it hasn't left me since.
This happened in October of 2016, and on Easter Sunday 2017, I was baptized. I joined a small group Bible study through my church. I also have since trained to be a Stephen Minister, which is 1 on 1 Christian care. I'm the caregiver; God is the cure-giver! I lead the baptism team and help others make this paramount step in their life. I also sponsor guys; I keep in touch with my sponsor. I am a CO host of a recovery Podcast called the 'Way Out Podcast.' I have made so many friends who are leaders in the recovery advocacy movement; these people inspire me, lift me up, and they push me to be a better version of myself every day. They give me hope for a brighter future and for the ability to sustain a life in recovery being a father to my son and a good brother, uncle, son, friend, partner, etc.…
I got certified as a CPRS (certified peer recovery specialist) as well and I just recently was released from my probation with my full rights restored as they dropped my only felony of my record! What a gift! My life has a trajectory today. I only need to listen to the Holy Spirit, stay rooted in the Word, and follow His direction for my life. These are always moments of uncomfortably that lead to the best results in my life.
I want to tell you today that anyone can recover if you let someone else who has done it led the way. Don't let fear stop you from what you deserve. You won't understand it at first, but more will be revealed as you trudge the road of happy destiny. Take the leap and surrender.
After reading Jason’s story for the first time, perhaps you can relate to what I was feeling after reading it for the first time, too: “Faith, my friend, is being able to look for hope even when it seems impossible to find. Faith is hope waiting for tomorrow.”[1]
His is a gritty journey. One that begins with really tough things and is now on the other side where there is hope and recovery. Jason’ faith, too, inspires—even if you don’t resonate with one of his recovery pathways.
Sometimes what happens to us and to our families, the hardships we endure, indeed the trauma, too, all of it can have a purpose, a meaning.
I’ve experienced it in my own life and witnessed this in the lives of women I’ve worked with or spoken to over the years. The men, too. All folks. Our trauma is only the beginning of our stories.
Men, will you join in supporting this year’s International Women’s Day event?
Everyone can register for free for one more week only!
Let’s continue to reflect on how we can show up for each other.
[1] Warren, Lee. (2020). I’ve Seen the End of You. Waterbrook.
Listen to my past podcast chat with Jason on The Way Out Podcast here:
You can also find Jason Rudeen on the Recovery Revolution Live on YouTube.