Love that isn’t careful

how extravagant love can change our lives + how to help a loved one struggling with addiction

The bills started pilling up.

Cash advance notices, rent payments, all those past parking tickets that I’d just stuffed in the glove box. Money was tight.

I was still working full-time, but when most of my earnings went to cigarettes, drugs, and spaghetti-Os (in that order), there was nothing left.

One day, I opened an official looking letter and was shocked that my license had been revoked. Turns out if you don’t pay parking tickets, that’s what happens.

About that same time, I was in a horrible car accident that totaled my car and mangled a dear friend. I was also so behind on rent that I had to sit in court, about to be evicted.

Anxiety, depression, paired with so much smoke and - let’s just say unsavory company.

In other words, my world was falling apart. I was on the edge of all of the consequences of my active addiction and poor choices. Head-first, I spiraled.

I was also at a crossroads.

It was one of those moments that could have gone another way. The way where I would not be writing these words for you today.

Photo by Ryoji Iwata on Unsplash

Instead, when I was at my most desperate and broken, I was extravagantly loved.

When I didn’t realize it.

When I didn’t deserve it.

Even when I couldn’t accept it.

My mom’s first husband, Greg, was someone like a father figure. He was a good man, a fireman, a good neighbor, and friend. He was the kind of person who loved really well. Not perfectly. But real.

When I needed him, he was there.

Even after months of my not calling, he picked up the phone with a jolly, Northern “helloooo.”

After I lost my license and realized that I’d soon lose my job without being able to drive, I called Greg.

When I called him, he answered.

Instead of sending me a check or dropping off cash, he drove me to the DMV, waited for a couple of hours on pleather-covered chairs (before the age of smart phones), and paid the bill.

“I’ll pay you back someday when I can,” I’d say and he’d smile.

After the car accident, he helped pay for a new, used car and I said again, “someday I will pay you back when I can.”

“Okay, okay,” he’d say and smile again.

He was not made of money, but what he had, he shared with those in need. When the phone rang, he answered.

When I was experiencing severe anxiety after the car accident and smoking enough cannabis to make even my cat super paranoid, I called him and just the sound of his voice let me know I was going to be okay.

Greg had boundaries, yes.

He never gave me cash.

He had high expectations of me and told me so. When I brought home less than eligible bachelors, he flat out told me I could do better.

“Get rid of them,” and he’d shake his head.

Sometimes I’d listen.

When I was really down and out, he was there: Giving me a hug and meeting me for lunch even though I was using again.

Saying he was proud of me even when I had to go to treatment…again. And again.

Greg’s love was an extravagant love that showed me how someone can love in a healthy way. He showed me that when you love someone in or seeking recovery like me, it requires a big heart and love with boundaries that knows no bounds.

His support of me is a perfect example of how loving someone who is struggling with addiction is not enabling and how providing for basic needs, even financial ones, can save us. Having boundaries is brave. Loving despite the risk is worth it.

I’ll never forget the look in his eyes when I handed him the check, paying him back for his help. I don’t think he ever expected it, but it was one of my proudest moments. I could give back what I had been given.

Thank you, Greg, for being there and for never giving up on me. Rest in peace.

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How to Support Someone Struggling with Addiction

Listen in now to the first Circle of Chairs Conversations. Weekly-ish discussions about topics that are important to you. You will hear clinical insights, research-based trends, and conversations from experts in the fields of addiction, mental health, and trauma recovery.

Need more information about how to support your loved one?

Read my article with the Grit and Grace Project: 5 Ways You Can Help Loved Ones Struggling with Addiction or How Do You Help Someone With an Addiction? 8 Actionable Steps to Support Recovery with Recovery.com.

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Caroline Beidler, MSW, is an author, speaker, and Managing Editor of Recovery.com, where she combines expert guidance with research to help people find the best path to healing and treatment. Her next book, When You Love Someone in Recovery: A Hopeful Guide for Understanding Addiction, is coming Spring 2026 with Nelson Books. Drawing from her own recovery journey through addiction, mental health challenges, and trauma, along with training as a clinical mental health provider and addiction recovery expert, Caroline is passionate about guiding you into seasons of greater healing. Learn more about her books here.